A whole new year…

Tomorrow is New Years Eve...I didn't see this year pass, what with it being so...crappy. Not just in a regular crappy fashion, this year has had it's share of break-ups and deaths and personal drama moments...Let's just say that 2007 should be a walk in the park compared to the last 6 months or anyways, let's just say that that's my new year wish.

Plans for ringing in 2007... Fondue with friends and watchig Sex and the City. Yes, I'd rather get an enema than do this, but if I stay at home, I feel that I may just sit in my bed and cry and hold the cat and cry some more. This isn't a valid option. The only other solution I found would be to go out alone...on new years...don't think so. So...rather than stay home with mom and dad...I'll be hanging out with a gay couple and two girlfriends...woo...hoo..(I'm sure you can hear the trepidation in my tone...).

Resolutions for 2007...get new friends...lol. Other than just smiling everyday, I've resolved to stop being so fucking nice to everyone around me. I'm a little to compliant with my entourage. I guess it just comes down to being more inclined to making myself the priority. This year is all about me. me! Me. mE. ME! So...yes. Let's make this the year of MOI!

To you and yours, have a safe, happy and kinky new year!

I’m a douchebag…maybe

I've always had a tendency for being too nice. The crush messaged me from a Dom's email adress which is interesting considering I prefer being a sub to him. He was super sweet and we were supposed to see each other tonight. It's 10.45 pm and I'm still at home...No, I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call, I've just decided that I wasn't going to care. Man, if only I could manage that. Hopefully we can get in contact tomorrow. I guess he really isn't the guy for me although when we talk, I always end up feeling so good about myself...*sigh* what am I supposed to do here? I guess I'm going to give him one more chance...one more, after that, I'm just giving up. I hope it doesn't get there. Man, I really feel like I'm destined to be alone for the next long while in my life. Is it too much to ask for a little comfort, a little bit of a sense of security, something that can make me think that I'm worth it?

*sigh* I just want to be in that leather straightjacket again...

Insert crazy swearing here…

I'm such a douchebag. That's all I can say, I think. Me=douchebag. I had a really bad day. Ended up flipping out and almost crying (which I hate). I called the crush to wish him a Merry Christmas. I think one of his friends answered and said that he thought I had a wrong number. This came after a series of developments which made me believe that it's a government plot for me to have the shittiest day. So now, there'll probably be no second thing with the crush which means that I go back to wallowing. Man it sucks to be me.

Now I know that the one person who might read this is probably rolling his eyes at my patheticism. To him, I say...Yes I know...how am I supposed to be a credible Domme if I act like a girl right? Well...I am a girl. I have good days and bad days. Around this time of year, with the year I've had, I'm allowed to be a little weak and want to sink down into subness again. I seem to have that need when I'm feeling down, to just sink back into being a sub and being controled and at someone's mercy. I think that's why the crush is a crush, he managed to make me feel small, safe, beatiful and frustrated all at once. It's hard to not want that more than once...It definetly helped that he towered over me and was strong enough to hold me down with one hand. *sigh* I want that again...

Wow…I’m lauging at myself

I can't believe that I posted while completly drunk...it's a little pathetic...Meh, it's the holidays, being stupid is permitted. I'm kinda mad at myself about the whole fucking-my-best-friends-little-brother thing though...We were drunk, which is not an excuse, but it's really nice to flirt and not give 2 shits about the consequences. It's one of those feel good things. I actually didn't do much, he kept looking over and giving me the "look". Then during martinis the footsie started (what is this high school?). Then we all watched a movie during which I don't think the whole touche-pipi thing went unnoticed. We were all REALLY drunk though...who knows...same thing happened last time too. Anyhow, the fourth person left, best friend decided she was too drunk to stand and went to bed. I went out for a smoke and went to crash on her couch for a couple of hours to sober up a little. Didn't sober up...was pounced on...anyhow...can't wait to see if this'll repeat itself again...hmmm...

Drunk posting

Wow I'm drunk! Went to my best friends place for dessert. Needless to say there was no dessert but a shit load of booze was waiting for me when I got there! Yes...I am posting at 6 am, completely piss drunk...Nice don't you think! Anyhow...this past summer, under Very similar circumstances, I fucked said friends little brother...What do you think happened tonight? Yep...did it again (wow this is what Britney must feel like!). Fucked best friends little brother (he's 20...) and had fun teasing him all night...how mean can one firl be...I'll tell you after I've had a tall glass of liquids (water or juice....no more booze tonight!) and a few hours sleep!

Kissies!

The Christmas Blues

The hardest part about my first Christmas as a single gal is that I miss the Christmas cuddles...I think that if at one given moment I'd take back my ex...now would be it. I feel so alone...I try to feel better seeing my family around me, but mine isn't a family where one feels safe, it actually makes me feel isolated and alone..That's what's nice about having men around though...and that's why I miss my man friends. They always manage to make me feel safe and special even if it's not a "special friendship". Man, I think I have an addiction...men...*sigh* what else is new...

Anyhow, my plan for Christmas is the neverending family brunch, full of hypocrisies and fake laughter followed by movie watching. It kinda sucks when all my friends, who actually are more of my family than the ones I share blood with, are in super Christmassy families...this is kinda the time of year where you need those who are close to your heart, even if it's just to hang around and watch John Hughes movies while eating junk food like pigs. Meh...food for thought I guess...

Happy Christmas

Happy Holidays

Ok...something good happened...the guy I was trying to forget is back in the picture...Can you say BIG sigh of relief? *big sigh*. This news came yesterday and allowed me to sleep with a big fat smile on my face. What an ego boost to think that someone wasn't into you and to find out that they actually are interested...Let's just say that I'm flying high confidence wise...

Anyhow...I need to go get ready for Christmas eve with the family!

I can’t wait til the fucking holidays are over

Sounds like I'm a little high strung doesn't it? I'm just tired of walking around town and seeing people make out on street corners and all the love stuff on tv. I've just taken on this No Love Policy, maybe that's why I'm bitter. My best friends boyfriend implemented this last summer. His was supposed to last 2 years...dogshit of course. I'm giving myself til the holidays 2007 to be single. I'm just not ready... Granted I could make an exception if ever there was an absolutely amazing, lovely,...(all sorts of good adjectives)... I know that this is going to be good for me. I'll be able to just concentrate on me for a year. I want to be able to just...have fun without and strings. I think I'll make it official, the No Love Policy will take effect on the 1st of january 2007. Yeah...

Holy Holidays (2pm)

This past monday, I had a little holiday get together with some girlfriends. Of course, we did a gift exchange and I scored, big time! The theme was "porn"...pretty straight forward you'd think...right? Here's what I got!

(pic to come back soon)

A friend of mine made it...it's gorgeous and will look fabulous hanging over my bed...*grin*

I also need to post an eventual pic of my new piercing. I got it thinking that maybe it could start a couple of conversations with boys, but at the same time, I've really fallen in love with it. I'm a freak when it comes to body piercings. If my family wasn't so conservative, I think I might be covered in them. It's funny, but I feel so sexy when I get a new one. They give me this feeling of being this amazingly strong woman who can deal with herself...I know I haven't said what this new piercing is...I think I'll just keep you guessing a little longer.

Holiday depression

I know I make it sound super bad, but it's true that during the holidays this year, I'm feeling a little down. It's the first time in 4 years that I'm going to wake up on Christmas morning all alone. I don't know how I'm going to feel but I think that I'll manage to do something fun and to keep on smiling.

I've also decided to give up on the crush. I know I can't just do it like that...but I think that I can manage to let go a little. I'm just going to keep on being cool old me and just step on my ego a little. I think that there are probably oodles of men out there who would be great for me. It is true though that I don't have the worlds most amazing confidence, but regardless, I make an effort to feel better about myself. I have a very long road ahead of me, that I know, but I think that it's all about the little things that are going to help me feel confident as time goes by. Someone once said that "you must love yourself before you can love anyone else". I think that makes sense...you know...it's important to be your own priority before you can make someone else yours...hmmm...I guess that's food for thought...

And so we begin

I decided to start this blog because I was having some man-issues that I couldn't talk about elsewhere. You'll know me as Miss, I'm a stressed out girl who's learning how to relax and enjoy life one thing at a time. I was in a long term relationship and have been single for 6 months. During those past months, I've screwed every guy that I could, I like to call it fucking with a vengeance... The only thing is that now, I'm starting to want to expand my horizons a little on the relationship front. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with me in the sense that I'm not a dog, I'm a relatively pretty woman. Apparently, the cincher when it comes to me, is that I'm intimidating. I think that's all a load of bull crap...but that's MY opinion. Anyhow, men seem to flock away from me so, I've taken to meeting guys online. Yes, I know, it's as pathetic as it sounds... I consider this like an experiment, it's like my dating training wheels. Oh yeah...the only issue though is that I'm a part time S & M-er so that narrows my "manfield" even more. I get a bunch of guys who want me to hurt them in all sorts of ways who want to be around me. I'd totally do it more if I wasn't interested in meeting someone whom I could develop something with.

Now for the story that got me in this blogging predicament...I met this man online. He seemed great for me although a little older. We met up, I was going to top him, ended up being the opposite that happened. It was amazing as I hadn't been dominated in quite a while and whilst I love flogging a man, sometimes it's nice to just go off into sub-land. Anyhow, I had a blast and a half but now I don't know if he wants to see me again. We're still messaging but he seems much less interested...I don't know...He's answering messages and all but I don't know if I should just directly go and ask him if he's still interested considering this isn't a fixed thing just yet...*sigh* what to do? what to do? I thought about not sending him a message until he sends me one but that feels silly...and I hate stressing out over this one guy. I guess it means that I really like him. I don't know what to do...HELP!

Holy Holidays

This past monday, I had a little holiday get together with some girlfriends. Of course, we did a gift exchange and I scored, big time! The theme was "porn"...pretty straight forward you'd think...right? Here's what I got!

A friend of mine made it...it's gorgeous and will look fabulous hanging over my bed...*grin*

I also need to post an eventual pic of my new piercing. I got it thinking that maybe it could start a couple of conversations with boys, but at the same time, I've really fallen in love with it. I'm a freak when it comes to body piercings. If my family wasn't so conservative, I think I might be covered in them. It's funny, but I feel so sexy when I get a new one. They give me this feeling of being this amazingly strong woman who can deal with herself...I know I haven't said what this new piercing is...I think I'll just keep you guessing a little longer.